Liars and Cheaters

I have met my fair share. But none can compete with the man who used to call himself my boyfriend. Of course, he was boyfriend to several other girls over the six years of our relationship. So, at what point did he think that his behavior was ok? I just don't understand how you can say you love someone, while you are loving someone else? The girl who informed me has been his girlfriend for the last two years is telling me how much better she feels after talking to me. She doesn't seem to understand how every word that drops from her mouth shoots straight into me like a dagger. I now understand the term "walking wounded" so much better today than I did two days ago. It would be so much easier if the words were daggers, I would heal faster from a knife wound.

here's the real kick in the pants...he wants to stay friends with me! But a friendship based on lies is no friendship at all. Without trust, that type ( or any type really) of relationship dies off pretty quickly.

What happens when you don't water a garden? It dies.

Shackles raised

Have you ever noticed yourself stepping back when you should have stepped up? I do it all the time. I am held back by the little lurking gremlins that whisper in the sub-basement of my mind where all of my favorite neurosis are stored. They linger there, waiting for the moment I need them the least. Just when I think that I have all my little ducks swimming in a row, and can finally feel confident that things will work the way that I wish them to, I am locked in place. Unable to move. Shackled. Held prisoner by the gremlins raised on my own fears.

For example, lets look at dating. If I see a comely young (or not young) lad, can I walk up to him and tell him? Not at all! I'll content myself with watching. If you never expose yourself to failure, in that you can be successful. But then you live a hollow life, filled only with "might have beens" and "if only's".

Each fear is a link in the chain. Each failure is a key, turning the lock.
How long is your chain?

All Hallow's Eve

Its Halloween! One of my favorite days of the year, full of manic mahem, candied delusions, costumes and fun. It is amazing how free people feel when they take up a mask or costume. The disguise frees them from the constraints of their "normal" self and allows them to explore the possiblities of the "other" self that they now occupy. William Shakespeare often explored this theme. In his "As You Like It", Rosalind uses her disguise as Ganymede to be close to Orlando. Well, there's more to it than that, but try reading the play, you'll learn more that way(I love heroic couplets).

Until from Dreaming wakes

But what if you never sleep? How would dreaming occur? I don't sleep anymore, or at least I don't dream. The future is a murky morass, looming ahead of me. The beacon of my dreams has gone dim, and I have no steering remaining to me.

How very "Zen" this moment is; since I have no future to dream about, I can live wholly in the moment. But is the clarity of the moment worth sacrificing a vision of the future?

And then I wonder, does scripting my thoughts into the written word shape my current state of affairs and then make it mundane? Have I hollowed out my life and made it into a paltry shade of what it could be? Instead of dreaming, I write.

Toe the line

I have noticed a disturbing trend in students lately. Their quality isn't what it used to be. Oh, there have always been party-er's, and marriage minded girls...but, by and large, students went to college to LEARN. They aspired to be great in their fields, not only to garner a better wage, but for love of knowlege. When the bare minimum isn't enough, and eyes are on the prize with the hand out reaching for it...those are the people I want to be counted among.

But recently, I have seen too many step back, or just toe that line of acceptable worth, when they should be striding across it and leaving it behind. Is this new temerity simply a sign of the times? Are we as a people becoming reluctant to approach greatness? Maybe.

Future on Hold

Sit still, take a breath. You are now a time traveller. Effortlessly, like taking that breath, you have moved into the future. One second, one heartbeat at a time. How does it feel to have the future rushing relentlessly through you, over you, around you? Did you forget your towel?

I'm not arrogant enough to wish to travel back to the past. Think of how many mistakes you could make, irreparably harming the future. Or would it be harm? Your future would then change...and the events leading you travelling might not happen, would you then become "stuck" in the past? Bend your brain around that conundrum. Would you even realize that you had done it? Or would you just start to flow with the movement of time, breathing your way into the future, without even knowing?

Aging embarassment, or lack thereof

Another day is another number added to the pile of days before it, and I realize this one thing to be true: its really hard to embarass me anymore. When did embarassment die? It might have died in the numerous falls from horses(in front of people, so there was no way to overlook the spills, chills and thrills, much less forego even mentioning those events). Or maybe I don't get embarassed because I just don't care anymore. About the only time I feel embarassment is for other people, because they are doing things...but feel no remorse for their actions. For example:

I have seen too many giggling coeds down at the local watering holes, pushing on each other as they hunt for an available male. All I can think when I see those predatory girls is: How embarassing! To totally subsume my personality into the social expectations, that would be a slow death of self. Yet these girls at ecstatic at the opportunity to prove that physical attraction is more important than actually knowing and respecting your future partner. Perhaps they are right, since the liason they are after is exceedingly temporary. When the duration of the encounter is one night only, to be followed by at least a week of recriminations and gossiping friends...perhaps the physical is the only quality to persue...at least then you may have some bragging rights.

To those girls, I wish good hunting. To the males in this town, I wish good luck...hiding!

Procrastinator's Creed

I would like to preface this list with the admission that I did not write it. If, in fact, I had been given an assignment to write this list, it would still be on my desk, waiting for me to notice it. To whomever wrote this beautiful list: THANK YOU!!

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done
already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount
of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the
amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to
change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the
task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior
to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

Getting Lost

I realized today that I have wasted my education. That comment doesn't mean I don't use my education. But somewhere between the memos and reports the creativity that formerly drove my writing has been squeezed out. So now, I am lemonade. This blog will be an attempt to journal, and practice my art. Bear with me, and enjoy getting Lost in the Muse